I'm depressed again

When I was in High School I had depression. It was like I was in a dark hole that I couldn't get out of. And even though I never really recuperated I began to feel a little less depressed each day and one day I noticed that I no longer felt like I was in a deep hole. And then college started...

I am currently in my fourth year and I am going to graduate this semester. And even though I should be happy, I feel like shit. I've always had problems with transitions, and I guess this will not be the exception. I feel like I'm back in that hole, but now its deeper and darker then ever. I feel so pathetic. I should know how to get over this since I have already been through it, but I feel lost again. I feel so alone.

I went to see a therapist the other day and she asked me if I had any friends that I could talk to about how I'm feeling, and I said that I didn't. Then she asked if I had any friends, and I said "no." She looked at me and said "that's sad." I said, "I've gotten use to it." Then she looked at me like she was about to cry and said, "that's even sadder."

I was telling the truth. I've gotten used to being alone. I've been depressed for so long, so pathetic, so friendless, so alone, that it almost no longer bothers me. This is my life now.

except, every once in a while, in a night like this, I realize that I'm in that hole and I cry. I cry because I don't really want to be in this hole. And then I cry some more because I know that I will be...for the rest of my life. Alone.

Hot Dads

I took my 3 year old niece to the park yesterday, and even though I was so not expecting to meet potential dates there, I was quite surprise to see so many hot dudes there (who happened to be dads). Granted, most of those were taken, thanks to my 3 year old niece, I was able to meet one that was not. My little adorable niece was invited to play by this other little girl, I was happy because that meant I didn't have to be the playmate of my niece, but I was even more happy when I saw the dad of my niece's new mate. He was hot, to put it bluntly, and single.

I never expected taking my niece to the park would land me a date, but I guess these kinds of things happen when you least expect it. I still don't know how dating someone with a kid will work with me, since I am not that into kids, but for now I'll just enjoy his company.

Procrastination

In a few hours I have a 10 page research paper due, and I haven't even started it. I know this is going to kill me. Ugh, I hate this. I should probably start now. I will after I finish this blog post. Ten pages seems like a lot, but not really. I will probably have to write and not take any brakes for the next 7 hours to do that paper. Challenge ACCEPTED!!

Lately, I have just been over school. Its my last year and I think I have a really bad case of senorities. I am actually failing one of my classes, but I don't really care anymore. Life will go on. I actually think I am kind of depress, and everything is just passing me by and I feel like I am just standing waiting for it all to be over.

I hope I can pass this semester. I just want it to be over. And then I can start it all again next semester.

We All Gotta Start Somewhere

Its been years since I wrote in here. I used to do it all the time, but I kind of moved on to somewhere else. I guess I am back. It is so weird though, because I didn't think I would be back here. In a way, I am glad I'm back because writing here is kind of therapeutic for me. Even though I know that no one is really reading this right know, its nice to know that my thoughts and pain is somewhere where I can only see it, but at the same time everyone can too.
If you are reading this, wow, I don't even know what to say. Mostly because you are probably not reading this. I am in college now, I'm about to graduate this year.
I don't know what to do with my life next. I'm kind of scared about it actually. Thinking about the future used to excite me, now it terrifies me. I guess it's because it's so close. I got to face the world that awaits me. But for now, I'll just hide in here.

with love,
          Me